Long ago there were there two swordfish. The two swordfish were
brothers and their names were Blue and Spike. Blue and Spike lived with their
parents in a community of swordfish deep into the ocean. The community of deer
were really close to each other and always looked out of one another. During
the fishing season, all of the swordfish community were in danger. The
father of Blue and Spike warned the two siblings that they needed to take their
own group of swordfish to the faraway coral reef to keep the community out of
danger. The reason that the swordfish become so endangered is that the
fishermen bait the water with food for the swordfish then capture them when
they get to close. Blue, the swordfish, asked if the community should swim as a
whole to the reef, but the father wanted to look out for his home. The father
warned them that they should avoid the shallow waters as fishermen were always
there fishing, and to travel at night. Blue did what his father told and took
his group of swordfish through the deeper water to get to the reef and they
left at night. Blue and his swordfish all arrived at the reef alive. Spike,
lead his group early in the morning through the shallow coast. They swam
through fishing boat, after fishing boat with over half of his group being
captured by fisher men. When the fishing season was over it was finally safe
for the swordfish to travel back. Blue
still led his group through deep waters and during the night back home to the
community safely. Spike left that next morning, he led his whole crew past a
few fishing boats, and once again, half of his group was captured. Spike
arrived with only one swordfish left that next morning.
Author's Note
I decide to take this story and put it into my own group of animals. The original starts with a community of deer who have to leave during the crop season. I decided to do the same thing but with swordfish.
Bibliography:
Author: Ellen C. Babbitt
Title: Beauty and Brownie
Hello Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteI noticed that you put a community of deer instead of swordfish in your story. Overall I really enjoyed the story and like that you made it about an ocean/sea animal and not just another land animal I don't think we got to see many aquatic life stories.
Hi Adrienne! I really like how you made this story your own while also keeping the original story in tact. However, you might want to format it slightly better by adding indentions to the paragraphs and maybe some dialogue. It would be easy and beneficial to add dialogue into the story especially when the father is warning Blue and Spike.
ReplyDeleteHi Adrienne!
ReplyDeleteI like that you kept the same plot to this story as the original. However, you summarized it a little more so it was short and sweet and to the point. I would agree with Hannah that if you broke it up into paragraphs or added some dialogue it might be a little easier to read. Overall you did a great job and I enjoyed reading it.
Hi Adrienne! You did a really good job at keeping the original story and at the same time making it your own. I haven't read the story about the Beauty and the Brownie so its interesting to read a retelling of it in another persons perspective. I feel though that the story is really short and leaves a lot missing from the context of the story. I think it would be nice to separate the dialogue from the context of the story to make it a little easier to follow when reading. Otherwise, you did a good job on your story.
ReplyDeleteHi Adrienne! Other than the mentioning of the deer which threw me a little into confusion, I think the story went really well. It's fairly easy to follow but a few formatting changes like paragraph breaks can really make a world of difference for a reader who might get lost in the heavy description. Even some dialogue might add a little something since it lacks drama somewhat currently, but this is a simple change if you consider it! Just a little "show don't tell" creative writing tactic that I can pass along!
ReplyDelete